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March 7 – Coach ate (or drank) an entire bottle of vegetable oil. I’m not sure how he got it, but needless to say he wasn’t feeling too good for that entire week. He also had the runs and peed the bed, which i could tell he felt really bad about.
March 14 – Coach ate an entire 1/2 of a pizza. The amazing thing about this is that he did it like a ninja. There wasn’t even a speck of dust, or tomato sauce smear on the kitchen floor, leaving me wondering if I had really left the pizza on the counter. I got mad at Sally for a bit because i thought she ate it and wasn’t admitting it.
March 21 - Coach ate my hat. Which was a new hat and i had really been enjoying wearing it. And he really ate it, well about 1/2 of it, before he realized it didn’t taste that good.
March 28th – Coach ate Sally’s laptop Charger. He’s been on a run lately of eating ‘normal dog things’, like shoes, socks and remote controls etc….BORING! Bring on the weird boy! i have been purposefully leaving an old box of VHS tapes out in hopes of bringing him back to his all star capabilities
April 7th - So still no luck with the VHS tapes. However Coach did manage to take down an entire goose feather comforter. For real, the house was covered from front to back with the little white feathers. We have been cleaning and vaccuming for a week , and they have managed to transmigrate all over….I found some backstage while i was changing for a show, and every time i pull my phone out of my pocket a little burst of white follows it.
April 14th - Allright! Coach is back! He took down almost an entire Candle, and it was a big fucker too, in addition he ate an entire bag of cat food, a cardboard DVD box, a reese’s peanut butter cup with the wrapper still on and he drank a small bottle of eye drops. THAT’S MY BOY!!!! i love you boy.
April 20th - So today on the walk Coach grabbed a small tree, and after carrying it for a block, started to eat it (much to my satisfaction). I was in awe, so proud of him. The people walking by stared at us in shock, a dog eating a tree and his owner, with tears of joy running down his face, taking pics. And if that wasn’t enough, coach promptly came home and tried to eat our cat!!! OUR CAT!!!! Amazing. And here are some more pics if there are any non-believers out there.
May 5th – So Coach has been a really good dog this week, which is good for him growing up and becoming regal, but bad for this blog. So my dad is sending us a camshaft and some old pistons from his hot rod. Hopefully if we put some liver oil on those bad boys we will be back in business.
- May 12th – The other day we had a dinner party and I hear Sally yell from the other room, so i go to investigate and find Sally with her entire arm in Coach’s mouth. It was as if she was pulling something out of his stomach. And what comes out but an entire brick of sharp cheddar cheese with half the wrapper still on. It was a big brick of cheese, roughly the size of a hardcover novel. We put the slobbery brick of cheese back on the platter with the crackers and spreads and nobody seemed to notice.
- May 19th – I am gone on tour, so I dont know what Coach has gotten himself into, but i imagine whatever it is, is causing his rampant Turd Fiesta. Here is a picture Sally sent me. Poor guy. Look at his face. So ashamed. He just doesn’t understand the correlation between diareah and chewing on car parts.
- So I’m on tour in Europe, and frankly i miss the boy. While i dont know what he’s been eating lately, i can regale you with a funny story that happened some months back……..
As we laid in bed on some quiet Monday night reading our books, Coach paced back and forth in the room. After awhile he came over to the bed, stood up on his hind legs and put his front paws outstretched on the edge of the bed. As you can imagine, a Great Dane standing on his hind legs is a regal sight, probably 6 feet tall. And he stood there, looking down at us, pleading; “Can i come up guys? Please!”
It was a remarkably funny sight, our big ass dog standing up, looking down on us with the most sincere wishes of cuddle time. And Sally, with her steel will, said “No!”….. At this point, Coach still standing tall and with a heartbroken look of sadness paused…and it was in this moment of absolute quiet, as Coach looked us in the eye, and we looked back at him, that he let out a triumphant fart.
A glass of milk I drank a week ago suddenly came exploding out of my nose and I completely broke down in hysterical laughter. At some point, i wiped the tears from my eye and saw Sally climbing over the edge of the bed reaching for something on the floor. She thought Coach had shit and it landed on the floor. (It was similar to the Zapruder film of the JFK assassination where Jackie O reaches back to grab the remnants of JFK’s head.)
Coach at this point is completely weirded out, I’m apparently having a heart attack and Sally is climbing all over the place, so he runs out of the room. Looking back at that moment, I have the slightest feeling that he let that fart out in response to us not letting him up on the bed, since you know, he can’t talk or make any hand gestures of any sort…..Anyway, after all that….here is a picture that i just got….i believe the caption read; “Well, this is what happens when you go on tour”. I mean look at him, that little fucking princess with his head on the pillow ‘n shit.
- So here’s another funny thing the boy does: when he sleeps and is dreaming, he’ll let out yelps and start ‘running in his sleep’. I like to think he’s dreaming that he’s a flying Unicorn-Dog soaring through a majestic sea of buttholes and pizza.
Bring your dog to work day. This is us riding home after a Day Show that I took Coach to. During the show, he ate through his leash and walked over to a table full of 6 hot chicks. SERIOUSLY! it was hilarious, atta boy. He still is trying to learn the art of singing in the car, as seen here. I’m sure he’ll get it soon. Later this same day we went on a walk without a leash, he strolled over onto somebody’s porch and some super crazy cracked out lady came out yelling and screaming! She followed and screamed at us the entire block. “I should hit you upside the head, and hit your dog upside the head! I’m gonna sue you for trespassing! The cops are gonna come and take your dog and I’m gonna follow you home and…..”
Coach and i went home, cracked a beer and watched the Cubs lose. Crazy bitch.
- So Coach really raised the bar here….
I can’t begin to express my absolute awe and gratitude that Coach would take into consideration this blog and all the loyal followers, and do the most any of us could ask….eat himself. Going far and beyond my wildest dreams, he did something so meta, so outside the box that I am speechless. He really out did himself.
This is by far the awesomest thing he could have done, and i feel I have no other option than to use this as a capstone to close a wonderful chronicle of our lives. What better way to end this blog.
Both Coach and I thank you for reading. We look forward to sharing our next chronicle…..
